Dude, Where's My Wand?
by Tambourine Playing Lobsters
Summary: Kind of insane . . . Don't ask! Please R/R. Disclaimer: We own none of the characters. Please don't sue us! heehee
1. The Real Harry Potter

DUDE, WHERE'S MY WAND?  
  
by (the) Argive Fairies  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: The Real Harry Potter  
  
Harry Potter (yes, the real Harry Potter) was waving his wand in the air and shaking his booty to the rhythm of his off-key song. Most people in the common room had run away screaming, hands clutched over their ears.  
  
"Yes, I'm Harry Potter, the real Harry potter, and all you other Harry Potter's are-uh- . . . not Harry Potter! So won't the real Harry Potter please-"  
"SHUT UP!!!!"  
"Sorry."  
"Humph. Can't you see I'm already upset enough as it is?!" Hermione screamed, slamming her book shut. "I just broke up with Curtis!"  
"I said I was sorry, OK!!!"  
Hermione responded by throwing her heavy spellbook directly at Harry's enormous head.  
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	2. His Majesty Queen Dumbledore of England

Chapter 2: His Majesty Queen Dumbledore of England  
  
Harry Potter(yes, the real one) slowly opened his eyes to a room filled with swirling white mist. Distorted faces peered down at him.  
"Whoa!!!" Harry shrieked as he slowly regained consciousness. "I see dead people!"  
"Uh, huh, and I'm the queen of England!" Dumbledore snorted.  
"Really?" Ron asked, mouth dropping open.  
"Yeah," Dumbledore said giving him a sarcastic glare.  
"Your Majesty!" Ron cried, dropping to his knees.  
"Okay, this is getting confusing, Harry, you were knocked out when Hermione threw Ancient Runes for Dummies at you-"  
"Hermione was reading a 'for dummies book?" Ron cried, then fell over laughing,  
"At least I don't collect them!! Someone has a collection of those books in his underwear drawer, I won't name names, cough *Ron* cough!"  
"Really? Who?" asked Professor McGonagall asked curiously. Everyone looked at her in disbelief.   
  
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	3. Professor McGonagall's Suprise

Chapter 3: Professor McGonagall's Surprise  
  
Suddenly Crookshanks came running into the room and jumped onto Pr. McGonagall's back and he tore her robe. And everyone turned and looked at her when she screamed in surprise. Then they saw what she was wearing underneath the robe... dragon skin underwear!!!!!!!  
"Those nasty rumors-all true!" shrieked Crookshanks.   
"Hey, you can't talk!" exclaimed Ron, who stared at the cat as he picked his nose.  
"Wanna bet? By the way, I'm not a cat, I'm . . . . . . . . . "  
Then the cat turned into Pr. Flitwick!  
Everyone screams, "PROFESSOR FLITWICK?!"  
"Hey, I thought I was the only one who could turn into a cat!" screams Pr. McGonagall, trying to hold up her robe.  
"You're changing the subject: where did you get that fine quality dragon underwear?" Dumbledore asked, eyeing it suspiciously. "I mean, mine isn't half this nice, and I always wanted a pair in scarlet!"  
"Well, I'll tell you, you can find them on sale at-"  
Hermione cuts in, "at Malfoy's Secret!"  
Harry is angry that the adults are now discussing lingerie and ignoring him. "OK, I'm glad we're having a nice conversation and all, but what about me? I'm the real Harry Potter!"  
"AND?!" everyone asks; they were in the middle of discussing the difference in quality between Malfoy's Secret and Fudgejockey when the door burst open.  
"NO!!! NO!!!! It isn't true! Minerva!!! YOU . . . TOOK . . . . MY . . . ."   
"Golden arm?" suggested Ron, forever the idiot.  
"NO!! My dragon hide slippers! I didn't want to believe it, no!!!!!!! They're one of a kind," screamed Curtis (A/N: Curtis is a stupid kid we know, had to put him here and make him look stupid) , moaning unhappily. "I spent millions on them!"  
"Forget it, fool!" snarled Pr. McGonagall, snatching up the flashy slippers. "They go with my underwear!"  
"Well, maybe if they were in beige-" Flitwick said.  
"No, not beige! Definitley maroon!" Dumbledore argued.  
"I don't know WHAT you're talking about. They would have to be in swamp," Curtis stated.  
"Is that a color?" Hermione asked.  
"Of course it is!" Ron cried.  
"SHUT UP!!!" everyone yells.  
"Ok, let's turn this conversation back to me!" Harry roars.  
"Ok, what size do you wear?" asked Dumbledore. "I'll try and pick you up a nice bottle-green pair of Horntail boxers, they'll look great with your eyes."  
"You think so?" Harry asks, suddenly interested.  
  
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	4. (How to Survive) Divination Class

Chapter 4: (How to Survive) Divination Class  
The next day, Harry and co. were heading to Divination to take an extremely important exam. Hermione had joined the class again for no apparent reason. When they reached the room, Pr. Trelawny was no where to be found. Everyone sat down and waited. Suddenly the trapdoor opened and she popped in.  
"Hello class, I had to take care of a little matter with Dumbledore, that fool-" she began.  
"Hey! Don't you adress his majesty so informally!" Ron interrpted, glaring at her.  
Everyone stares at him and he smiles, waving at them. Everyone sighs.  
"Anyway, here are your test papers. Begin!" Pr. Trelawny says.  
The class begins working on their tests. Suddenly Parvati Patil raises her hand. "Pr. Trelawny? I don't speak Portugese!"  
Pr. Trelawny peers at her over her ugly, in-fashionable glasses. "I'm sorry, dear, but we already learned Portugese earlier this semester!"  
"Oh."  
Suddenly, the door bursts open and (dun dun dun) . . . . . . . .who else enters the room but-  
"My mom?" asks Ron. Everyone stares at him.  
VOLDEMORT!!!!!!  
"AAAAaGGGGGGgrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" everyone screams.  
"Ssssssshhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Pr. Trelawny says. "We are taking an exam! You are late, sit down right away!"  
Voldemort: "But I don't wanna take an exam, wwwwwwaaaaahhhhh!"  
"That's too bad, young man! I don't want to be ugly and un-fashionable, but we have to live with all that-" Pr. Trelawny said, starting to cry. Lavender Brown, Parvati, and Hermione go up and comfort her.  
"It's ok, we can find a nice plastic surgeon around this dump-I mean, school, somewhere!" Parvati suggests.  
"Yes, and there's got to be a nice mall around," Lavender puts in.  
Pr. Trelawny looks up, blinking away tears. "Really? You think so?"  
"Oh yeah, but girl-lose the glasses. Contacts are so in," the girls tell her.  
"Um, Pr. Trelawny?" Ron asks.  
"What?" she snarls.   
"Can I go to the bathroom?"  
"NO! Finish your exam."  
Meanwhile, Voldemort is running around the room, chasing Harry. Harry jumps out the window and Voldemort follows. Everyone is watching them, yelling, "Go Voldie!" or "Run, Potter!"  
Pr. Trelawny shouts, "Back to your tests! Potter and Voldie get zeros for leaving."  
Harry hits the ground hard, but since he isn't smart enough to understand the concept of pain, he gets up and looks around.  
"Why did I just jump out of a window?" he asks himself.  
Suddenly, Voldemort hits him after jumping out the window, too.  
Harry stares at him for a moment, looks around again, and asks one question that will change his life forever . . . :  
"Dude, where's my wand?"  
  



	5. Cast of Characters

Hi! Thanks for all the reviews, we really appreciate them. Yes, we know this is insane, we warned you in the summary. Special thanks to Yosis for the ideas. We also decided to add a list in Chapter 5 that explains what/who the characters are (Susan's request) just in case you haven't read the books, although we reccomend that you do so first! Please note that characteristics from our stories are added; some characteristics shown are not in the books.   
Disclaimer: We own nothing but the plot, so don't sue us! We really like the Harry Potter books, and J. K. Rowling is wonderful, so we're just writing this for fun! Another thing-feel free to leave any suggestions for new chapters.  
Thanks!  
-The Argive Maidens~  
  
Chapter 5: Cast of Characters  
  
Harry Potter: the main character, scar on forehead, beat Voldemort, full of himself, loses wand  
  
Voldemort: evil Dark wizard, hates H. Potter, very insane  
  
Pr. McGonagall: Transfiguration teacher, kleptomaniac, likes dragon-hide products (esp. underwear), can turn into cat  
  
Pr. Flitwick: Charms teacher, in love w/ Pr. McGonagall, can turn into cat  
  
Dumbledore: Headmaster of Hogwarts, obsessed w/ chocolate and candy  
  
Pr. Snape: Potions teacher, passion for opera  
  
Hermione Granger: Harry's friend, expert on fashion and likes to read, very smart  
  
Ron Weasly: Harry's friend, the idiot of the story  
  
Hagrid: 1/2 giant, lives in cottage, breeds hamsters  
  
Pr. Trelawny: Divination teacher, very unfashionable  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. The Quest Begins

Chapter 6: The Quest Begins  
  
  
The real Harry Potter was in despair. Where was his wand? He had looked everywhere! Actually, his definition of 'everywhere' was in a three-foot radius around himself.  
"Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa," he sobbed into Voldemort's robes. "Where is it? Somebody took it, I want my mommy!"  
"Dude, get a grip! I killed your mommy, remember?" Voldemort snarls, trying to shake the upset boy away from him.  
"Oh." Harry stood there for a moment and looked around, seeing that he was under the Divination classroom window, about 15 stories below, of course, as he had jumped out of it. Then, "You're mean! I want my mommy!!" He grabs Voldemort's robes again and buries his face in them.  
"Hey, get your ugly face outta my robes! They're dry-clean only!" Voldemort screams, then skips away across the Hogwarts grounds, singing "Zippidy-Do-Da."  
Harry decides to do something, so he stands up and goes to Hagrid's house. Or, more specifically, Hagrid's Hamster Hut(TM).  
"Hagrid, let me in!!!!!" screams Harry, pounding on the door.  
Hagrid: "Give me a moment, old chap!"  
Harry looks at his watch. "But I can't tell time!!" he wails, droping to the ground, still wailing. Hagrid opens the door.  
"My dear boy, come in, come in; but wait, what's the password?" hagrid glares at Harry suspiciously.  
"Swordfish?" asks Ron, appearing out of nowhere. They stare at him.  
"No!!!! The password is uymuvhoko ghmth7vt!!" Hagrid told them. "Now get inside!" They go inside and Harry and Ron sit down at atable while Hagrid goes somewhere.  
"Dude, where's my wand?" asks Harry.   
"Curtis took it!" Ron screams. "I saw him!!!!!"  
Hagrid returns to the table they're sitting at holding two hamsters. "Fang, Fluffy, meet Ron *cough-the idiot-cough* and Harry!"  
"Hagrid, are you sick?" asks Ron, still the idiot.  
"No, I'm fine. But thanks for asking! It means a lot to me-" Hagrid starts to sob, and hugd Ron.  
"Yeah, I love you too, man!" Ron says, hugging him back.  
Harry stands up and walks slowly out of the cabin, then runs back to the castle screaming.  
  



	7. Mission Wand

Chapter 7: Mission Wand  
  
Authors' Note: Please be informed prior to reading this that we have problems. Thank you and have a pleasant day!  
  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the great and powerful J.K. Rowling except for Curtis the Freak and the plot. Also, the title belongs to the movie Dude, Where's My Car? Also, the Baby-Sitters Club belongs to Ann M. Martin.  
  
Harry decided to go for a walk in the woods with Hermione and Ron. "I can also look for my wand!" he said. As they were entering the forest, Hermione froze.   
"What's that-that horrible off-key tune?"  
Ron paused. "Is that Dippidy-Zoo-Dah?" he asked. (But it's OK; by now we all know that Ron has problems) Hermione and Harry sighed.  
Suddenly, Lord Voldemort burst out through the patch of trees. "Zippidy-Doo-Dah, zippidy day! Wonderful feeling, wonderful day! My, oh my, what a wonderful day! Mister bluebird on my shoulder, plenty of sunshine-"  
"No no no!" Harry shouts. "That's not how it goes!" Voldemort glares at him.  
"Then how DOES IT GO?!" he roars, looking quite impatient.  
"Zippidy-doo-dah, zippidy-eh. My oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine heading my way. Zippidy-doo-dah, zippidy-eh!" He finished and no one claps; Harry is as bad a singer as Voldie, if not worse. (See chapter 1)  
Ron crosses his arms over his chest and pouts. "What about Mister Bluebird?" he asks. "I WANNA KNOW ABOUT MISTER BLUEBIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Voldemort comes over and stares Ron in the face. "Man, you need a tic-tac!" Ron says, offering him one from his pocket. Voldie gladly accepts, popping the orange tic-tac (covered with lint from Ron's pocket) into his mouth.  
"Anyway; Mr. Bluebird is at home in a cage starving to death cause I'm not there! OKAY?!?!?!?!" Ron bursts into tears-Wait, no, no-Voldie bursts into tears too. Harry tries to comfort them both by saying, "Don't worry, who needs Mr. Bluebird?"  
Harry and Hermione left them as they screamed in unhappiness. "Geez, I'm glad to get away from them," Hermione comments. Harry nods. As they continue on, Hermione becomes twitchy. "Harry? There's something I ought to tell you," she says.  
"Duh-What?" he asks, staring at the bark of a tree. Hermione sighs.  
"I've decided to quit this book series; I want to join the Baby-sitters club!" she shouts. Harry stares at her.  
Suddenly Curtis appears out of no where. But now he's-he's bald! "Curtis! What have you done?"  
Curtis runs a hand over his head. "I shaved my head, babe," he says, trying to look cool but failing miserably.  
Hermione sighs. "No, we can't get back together," she says. Curtis proceeds to tell her what he thinks of that-  
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!"  
This section has been censored due to the fact that this fic is only rated PG  
Harry leaves them to settle their disputes in peace, well sort of…  
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Harry continues, until he meets up with a turkey running in the opposite direction.  
Turkey: Gobble gobble!  
Harry asks, "Dude, where's my wand?"  
Turkey: Gobble gobble! Back pocket! Gobble gobble!  
The turkey runs off. Five seconds later, "!*&^%$# turkey!" Curtis runs into the clearing with Harry, being chased by the turkey and a giant chocolate bar with rainbow sprinkles. (We would like to make note that sunflower of the Argive Maidens is insane and has problems and so do the other Argive Maidens)  
Harry sits on a stump to think. "Where, oh where can my poor wand be? Oh where, oh where can it be??????" he sings. Suddenly, an acorn falls from the tree next to him, followed by another 200. They all hit him. "Ow! Mean ole squirrels!" he cries, shaking his fist at them "I'm the real Harry Potter!"  
Harry sits back down, then hears a crunch. Standing up, he feels in his back pocket, and…..  
HE FINDS HIS WAND!!!!  
To be continued…….  
~*~ We hope you liked it!!! And pleasepleaseplease review! Reviews are cool! They make us feel good about our work! I know every morning at swim practice one of the other Argives comes up to me and shouts "I got more reviews!!!! Now I have 52" or something or another! The sequal will be on "sunflower" so please check for it!!! It will be up as soon as possible!!!!   
Thanks! ~*~  
  
  
  



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